how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
