After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
