I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
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