Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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