well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
