I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
