Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
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Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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