can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
