you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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