If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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