She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
