I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
