Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
