i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
