So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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