Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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