When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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