Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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