make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
