im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm passing your future prison.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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