JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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