I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
