you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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