I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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