he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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