Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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