Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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