Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
