If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
