your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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