If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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