I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
