Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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