DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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