It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
