You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
