I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
