when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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