I wish life had little blips of pornography
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
