last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
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You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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