Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
