A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
