we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
