Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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