When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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