It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
