like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
