I wish I could teleport
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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