i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
