Cold hands, warm shart.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
This house was built for laser tag.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
