I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
