My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I cut my penus on the lid.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
