Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
