Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You're like the curious george of whores
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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