my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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