I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
