I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize