I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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