Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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