I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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