Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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