We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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