I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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