A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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