Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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