Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
