he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
