ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
